Queen Liz Blushes as Windsor Swop Old Etonian for East End Expletives

Banbury Piranhas 0, Windsor 3

NOA, 5th March 2016

The home of British decency and etiquette came to Banbury on Saturday, but instead of silver spoons and Eton etiquette, our youngsters got some handy east end terms mainly just involving the 3rd and 6th letters of the alphabet.  It was a different Windsor mens 2s from the ones we beat before Christmas – they were stronger and had footballers and vegans in their squad. In fact the vegan footballer was probably the most adept at swearing and he subsequently got the newly created “Mr Tourette’s” vote after the game for his imaginative continuous use of two words and his sending off.

Anyway, the first 15 minutes was dominated by the youngsters which surprised the Windsor men. The Piranhas had another week of a makeshift squad, which hasn’t helped continuity, but the new additions of young Dan Cronin up front with Charlie Camp and Freddie Symons at the back teaming up with Finley McEvoy were really effective. The Windsor men were pinned back for long periods while Will Eagles in midfield ruled the roost distributing and tackling well, and Gary White supported the youngsters up front. It was during this time that all expectations of Windsor personifying the Queens English and good old Etonian etiquette were dispelled, as one of their midfield players displayed an especially in depth knowledge of four letter exhortations in response to the pressure – but as we discovered as the game went on, his natural lingual talent was consistent with any situation and so was just part of his highly appealing persona.  In spite of lots of possession the Piranhas lacked firepower and found themselves undeservedly 0-1 down after 20 minutes, from a sole Windsor break out of defence and some inconsistent marking.

Again the young piranhas attacked – Ollie Webb helping to launch attacks from the back with some searching aerial passes and Clive “Bambi” Briant and Ali Nash working the flanks well. However yet again the Piranhas conceded a goal before half time from another Windsor break and turnover against the run of play.

So at half time captain Camp focussed on the need to mark tighter, retain possession, and for the young lads to ignore the swearing and insults as it was all part of the “game” – but not this one normally and not normally one from Windsor and Eton.

So the second half started with a much tighter Piranha formation and more pressure from the Piranhas but as the late afternoon progressed the ambient temperature dropped and conditions became icy and cold – this is when Clive Bambi Briant came into his own and the sliding and slipping ice show commenced. At one point he did try to balance tip toe (or more like tip hoof) on the ball whilst taking a sideline hit – not a skill recommended by England coaching and actually quite hard to execute without ending up on your dappled rump…..which is what happened.

It wasn’t long before the Tourette’s barking started  again and despite the hard work of Charlie Camp (who was bravely picked on by the much taller Tourette’s grand master) Thomas Allman, Will Eagles and Finley McEvoy – again the Windsor defence repelled all attacks and the Piranha defence of Camp, Andrew “the black spot” Jeffrey, Ollie Webb, and the ever active berserker in goal Steve Hicks – all had to start working hard.  Eventually Windsor won a series of short corners which was eventually converted by Grand Master Tourette’s with vigour. He was very happy about it as the swearing became more colourful and the volume went up. Captain Camp did point out that it wasn’t really acceptable on a hockey pitch and we had a team of 13/14 year olds – not 35 year olds like him and his mates – but he was too immersed in his Tourette’s fuelled ejaculation to be aware of anything else – bless him.  Not long after that he was sent of for a combination of swearing and stick tackling – you can imagine his reaction – suffice to say he excelled.

Another of his colleagues followed shortly on a yellow card and the Piranhas took control. But even our Scottish International centre forward, Gary White, couldn’t score – in fact he excelled in demonstrating to the young piranhas how it is still possible to miss the goal even when Windsor were forced to use a kicking back, as their goalkeeper had a nasty turn for the last 5 minutes of the game. White’s “shot” (which is stretching the interpretation of the word way beyond its intended meaning) from a final short corner (expertly injected by Ollie Webb and perfectly stick stopped and placed on the exact grain of Astro sand by Charlie Camp with a cute red bow on it) was about as threatening as an invading army of Julian Clareys armed with soggy flaccid bread sticks.

The final whistle blew, the WTGNVF (Windsor Tourette’s Grand Master Vegan Footballer) barked his final string of four letter expletives and we marched in for some truly excellent teas – sausage & bacon stew a la Pam Eagles – which everyone enjoyed apart from Mr WTGMVF……shame.  But he did get the newly created “Mr Tourette’s Award” which he can wear with pride – in Windsor & Eton where it’s probably a very rare novelty ……..


Andy Camp