More Twanging Hamstrings than Deliverance

Banbury Piranhas 3 Wallingford 0

An under strength and under the weather Piranhas 11 went away to Wallingford for a late fixture this week. Captain Camp was hoping for a rest on account of contracting the deadly man flu the day before (making Ebola look like a mild sniffle), Adam Hughes was carrying a knee injury from the previous weekend, and Adam Bailey and Clive both had hamstrings tighter than Miss Piggy’s G string ……so it wasn’t looking great as Wallingford were desperate for a win and had 3 subs on the bench.

The game started rather bizarrely with the piranhas winning a short corner immediately from the pushback, Sam Bracke’s excellent injection giving Camp plenty of time to hammer the strike at the goal which was partially saved by the keeper only for Hughes to pounce on the rebound and slot the first goal home. 1-0 up after 3 minutes.
The rest of the half was an abject lesson in poor control and passing by both teams with neither goal being really tested. The only high point being Clive executing a perfect “Swan Lake feet first dying swan slow motion slide” across the opposition D and into the bemused Wallingford sweeper and ball. It was a touching scene – Tchaikovsky would have wept….we all did.

Half time gave Camp the chance to snort a line of Lemsip Max and wake the rather pedestrian piranhas up.
Man flu is a terrible affliction which needs careful treatment and care but no thoughtless female was nearby to administer soup and change channels to CBBC……
The second half was a great improvement as the piranhas tightened their passing and possession hockey. At last the midfield of Hughes, Clive Briant, Sam Bracke and Finley McEvoy held possession well and moved the ball on early to the hard working Thomas Allman and James Doran up front. A wonderful moved ensued from great defensive work yet again from right back Ollie Webb across the midfield which ended after 5 perfect passes with Hughes turning his marker the wrong way at the top of the D and hammering a shot low into the bottom left of the goal to make it 2-0.

Then the hamstrings started twanging and for a while it sounded like the theme tune from Deliverance as first Adam Bailey’s hamstring twanged and then Clive’s started to go to complete the battling banjo duet. Luckily no piggy squealed and despite injury they played on. For the middle part of the second half however the weakened piranhas had to rely on the stoic defence to keep a clean sheet – Morgan Haylor in goal and Mervyn Long and Ollie Webb particularly dug deep and played out of their skins to keep the sheet clean. Sam Bracke and Finley McEvoy worked hard in defensive midfield and even Thomas Allman at centre forward came back to help stem the tide. Then with 5 minutes to go Hughes shifted gear in midfield after the Piranha defence turned over yet another Wallingford attack and ran the full length working off young Bracke and McEvoy and slid the ball past the Wallingford keeper to seal the game at 3-0.

The game finished much to the relief of captain Camp who then executed a Venos sponsored man flu ridden hacking cough version of 3 cheers for the opposition – which sounded more like a phlegm yodel – and the Piranhas bagged the hard fought 3 points. Next week we face 4th placed Marlow at Bloxham for an early pushback. The last fixture before Christmas when Allman disappears for a month wearing a big red outfit, boots, and a big leather belt cohabiting with reindeer and a dodgy dwarf……amazing what you can buy at Ann Summers in Banbury Matt….

This article was sponsored by the “Ann Summers” “Camp it up for Christmas range of inappropriate articles….. Now that’s’ Andy !