Knee Fetish Plagues Piranhas
Banbury Piranhas 2 Wokingham 2
Banbury managed to field a slightly stronger team this week (which wasn’t difficult) and as a result bagged an away point. But knees were the theme of the day with both Captain Camp and the returning Matt Allman with knee injuries and with Clive Briant playing most of the match on his knees…..a “Penitent Piranha” one might say…or maybe he was auditioning for the next Snow White Panto as he was tired of his “Bambi on Ice” typecasting ?
In the changing rooms, Matt Allman was a bit disappointed as he’d been combing the Internet for Knee Fetish Clothing and found his fave support accessory (a sort of latex and metal combo with bolts and straps) but it hadn’t turned up in time so he had to wear what looked like a pair of granny’s surgical stockings over each knee which the Knee Fetish community would’ve found about as appealing as a snog with Donald Trump (with tongue or without tongue – you decide ladies….). Captain Camp on the other hand was sporting a “black & pink” latex look bandage combo which looked damned sexy but at the same time tasteful and “man about town”. Allman looked terribly jealous as we compared knee supports in the changing room and the young Piranhas looked suitably impressed yearning for the day they’d be old enough to sport such stylish menswear and be able to impress any discerning woman.
The game commenced with the Piranhas well on top for the first 15 minutes. The Piranhas’ lucky mascot Andrew Jeffrey was on show again – about as lucky as “the black spot”. Andrew was pleased at the request for him to play bottom of the diamond as it meant him running for 70 mins without a sub. Being a “human running metronome” this wouldn’t be a problem though…….
The new midfield of Charlie Camp, Jeffrey, Ali Nash, and James “Duran” Doran worked well but Thomas Allman and the older, more crocked version – Matt, couldn’t convert the pressure. Finley McEvoy worked well with Ali Nash down the left and Bambi Briant linked up with James “Duran” Doran down the right.
Wokingham rode the storm and then put the Piranha defence under pressure with captain Camp and stalwarts Mervyn Long, Finley McEvoy and Clive Briant working hard to keep them at bay. Wokingham had 2 experienced midfield players who the Piranhas found difficult to contain – one eventually carved through 3 piranha players who tackled with the commitment of a Donald Trump marriage and slipped the ball over the advancing Kit Lamb to make it 1-0. The rest of the half was much the same with Kit Lamb in the starring role clearing with feet, making stick dives, and generally scaring everybody with his berserker ravings. Clive Bambi Briant fell over a few times – at one point running on his knees to complete a tackle like a greying dervish version of Jimmy Crankie.
Half time came much to the relief of captain camp and his dodgy leg and gave him the chance to reshape the team and bring Matt Allman into the top of midfield to help close down their experienced players – what with his dodgy knees and Jeffrey blowing like storm Gertrude – I was wondering if halfway through they’d end up impersonating the two Norfolk beached sperm whales…..albeit less virile versions….
The second half was much better for the piranhas who through the good work of Charlie Camp and Thomas Allman up front won a few short corners – one which young Camp stopped perfectly and Captain Camp struck but was saved somehow by a Wokingham defender’s stick as he trailed it behind him on the line. Eventually the Piranha equaliser came with a great strike across the D which Doran (who looked hungry for the ball – like the wolf….) ran onto and deftly deflected it in. For the next 15 minutes it was all Piranha hockey and the pressure paid off with goal number two being converted by Matt Allman in a goal mouth scramble after great work by Charlie Camp and Thomas Allman.
Then the rate of Bambi Briant tumbles increased (sometimes barged over, sometimes voluntary just coz he likes the different perspective of playing hockey like a Jimmy Crankie, and sometimes involuntary just to add a bit of unpredictability) along with Jeffries blowing like a pregnant sperm whale, Allman and Camp’s knees wobbling more than Jennifer Lopez’s bottom, and the Wokingham rolling subs kept rolling on (unlike ours). Like last week we all tired and despite Lamb saving everything thrown at him he misread Clive’s final Swan Lake “dying swan” fall at his feet and the wokingham attacker slid in a gift of a goal to snatch a draw.
The game ended much to the relief of the hard working Piranhas who were pleased with the away point , and for Clive who’s knees resembled a pair of beacons. Next week we are at home – so a squad of 35 is on the cards !